We finally left the apartment yesterday, late night. I noticed that there were less people around then--and the ones that were were less scrutinizing, if even from a distance. I must not be revealed. I still sense that I am not exactly moving correctly. The nausea has passed but the wavering of spatial intervals into other spatial intervals has not. One gets used to all manner of discomforting conditions. Though there is no arguing with hunger.
We exited with no idea how to acquire provisions. I have yet to receive transmission regarding this as in previous message. So we did our best. The first issue was dealing with code.
The root difficulty, I discovered very quickly, is the nature of requests. To put together intention so that it could be assumed the intention does not indicate its own context--that is, does not present itself as an intent. This was difficult at first because my utterances were interrupted by a framework which invited me into everything I said. One could speak as if one were not implied in one's speech, but there was a determinant on the receiving end that seemed to me to always, and necessarily, reread me into anything I said or could say. In such a framework or scheme--I prefer scheme because I now reckon that code is strategy, and scheme connotes stratagem--the most useful position was getting accustomed to the conditions of the scheme, getting above while inside it. But how does one get above something one is inside?
I began by identifying constraints. Temporal reference, for example, was inescapable. Speech units are put together by arranging into sequences. I could never get out of the apartment before I will get me and Ulla provisions. Instead, I have to locate the participants of activities in temporary establishments of anteriority, simultaneity and/or posteriority. The combination potential for these is not unlimited. I found that this systematic limitation hindered the movement of occasions and events across involvements into other occasions and events. Topicality is exclusionary. I had to learn to always be placing myself in relation to something else, at some point in time. But this has rather helped in having a support while maneuvering in requests.
But I still have joined the general consensus of citational time. As I mentioned in the previous message, the equivalency system makes no meaning for me. All my arrangements of time feel fashioned, if not fashionable. This mocking-up is particularly inescapable whenever I have to say that I am saying something. By participating in my own speech as an actor, I am constantly having to avoid messing up my lines--or plum forgetting them. This is extremely stressful, but again I believe this has to do with not knowing where time is yet.
At any rate, I acquired provisions because the tags for mutual intelligibility are highly rudimentary. As detailed in my previous message, we needed provisions: R/173, M/173, RM/104, IM/099, P/022, F/088, S/080, L/065, A/025, DA/022, SP/1010, OP/006, OW/002, S2/003. Or, at least: R/173, M/173, L/065. Keeping close to the sides of buildings, in case the dizzying bending would begin again, I walked across several avenues, through backways of buildings and sideways around them, to a lit colonnade with goods in various aisles. There could be no doubt that a succesful choreograph here would require my highest attention to the activity of unanticipated progress in exchange. The relative violence of shifts in meaning and tone for a person not habituated to the conventions of sudden response sways filled me with obstructive tangles of possible lines of interaction. When I entered the colonnade my thoughts were torquing into themselves with an alien screech.
I am not unfamiliar with losing control. Groundlessness, I think, is an experience anyone feels anytime their behavior doesn't match up with the situation built by the harmonized behavior of others. We stand on other people as if to scare off a beast in the field. But sometimes we can stand on nothing, must feel naked with every word or action, and have to teach our tongue to talk on its own. I found something that looked adequate for consumption and, analyzing its ingredients in case this would come up in the exchange, walked toward the officiating person whose dress trim matched the trim of the building's exterior.
But I couldn't do it. On my way there I decided it would be easier to pocket the provisions and deal with encountering exchange at another juncture. I watched the officiating man interact with another officiating man as I slipped the provisions into my pants and exited the colonnade. Heading back into the backways, my heart was eased.
Provisions acquired: Sugar; Cocoa Butter; Chocolate; Nonfat Milk; Milk Fat; Lactose; Soy Lecithin; PGPR; Emulsifier; Peanuts; Sugar (2?); Dextrose; Salt; TBHQ. Quantities unknown, but minimal.
Ulla found her own sustenance while I was inside the goods colonnade. The acquisition--for both parties--was meager, but better than nothing. This means, to switch code back to the essential, that I am still in dire need of provisions and assistance. See previous message.
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